Craig Groechel has a series of posts on ministry friendships that I have found very thought provoking. One of the culture shocks Lisa and I have experienced upon entering pastoral ministry is the frequency of people who claim to want to be our friends and end up hurting us in some way.
It was a lot easier to make friends before going into ministry because the expectations were much lower. Don't get me wrong, I have many friends who are in ministry and from my Bible College years. I have other friends from previous churches in which I served. Pastor's kids and some ministry leaders. We are not friendless but we have found it very difficult to make friends in the churches in which we pastored.
The reasons vary for that but most often it is because people want to befriend us for other reasons than just being our friends. At times I opened myself up to people in the church and they used that as fodder to criticize me. They say they are my friends but they would look for opportunities to "make me a better pastor". Which I find hilarious since they never pastored a church a day in their lives.
Some people have axes to grind from previous churches and pastors. So they look for a new one they can befriend in hopes of it being different and better. But when I don't live up to their expectations they pull out the ax and start chopping. I cease to be amazed at the candor in which "Christians" speak to pastors in private. I have been offended and hurt more by the words and actions of "Christians" than I ever have by an unchurched person.
Lisa and I have endured a lot of pain and heartache over the years with people pretending to be our friends. For a while I wondered if it was just us. But I knew we had healthy friendships elsewhere and that unhealthy people tend to flock to healthy people like bugs to a light.
I tried to be open and honest but that back fired more often than not. Then I was sick of getting hurt by people that I just shut everyone out. That didn't work either and it didn't help my anger. So as I gave all this junk to God He began to do a work of healing in me. I no longer shut people out, after all I am a people person and love being around people. But I do guard my heart and I'm very careful now who I let in. Just because someone wants to be my friend doesn't give them the right to trounce all over me. I think of Reagans response to the Soviet Union about nukes, "Trust but verify".
Some people I have let go as friends and others who thought they were my friends but continued to abuse me with their words I have vitually ignored. I refuse to let critics run my life especially when they have nothing helpful for me. They think it is their job to "fix me" but they are just fooling themselves and trying to take that job away from the Holy Spirit. I refuse to let them.
What are your thoughts concerning ministry friendships? Have you been through this? Have you tried to befriend a pastor without expectations only to be hurt by that person? What are your experiences?
It was a lot easier to make friends before going into ministry because the expectations were much lower. Don't get me wrong, I have many friends who are in ministry and from my Bible College years. I have other friends from previous churches in which I served. Pastor's kids and some ministry leaders. We are not friendless but we have found it very difficult to make friends in the churches in which we pastored.
The reasons vary for that but most often it is because people want to befriend us for other reasons than just being our friends. At times I opened myself up to people in the church and they used that as fodder to criticize me. They say they are my friends but they would look for opportunities to "make me a better pastor". Which I find hilarious since they never pastored a church a day in their lives.
Some people have axes to grind from previous churches and pastors. So they look for a new one they can befriend in hopes of it being different and better. But when I don't live up to their expectations they pull out the ax and start chopping. I cease to be amazed at the candor in which "Christians" speak to pastors in private. I have been offended and hurt more by the words and actions of "Christians" than I ever have by an unchurched person.
Lisa and I have endured a lot of pain and heartache over the years with people pretending to be our friends. For a while I wondered if it was just us. But I knew we had healthy friendships elsewhere and that unhealthy people tend to flock to healthy people like bugs to a light.
I tried to be open and honest but that back fired more often than not. Then I was sick of getting hurt by people that I just shut everyone out. That didn't work either and it didn't help my anger. So as I gave all this junk to God He began to do a work of healing in me. I no longer shut people out, after all I am a people person and love being around people. But I do guard my heart and I'm very careful now who I let in. Just because someone wants to be my friend doesn't give them the right to trounce all over me. I think of Reagans response to the Soviet Union about nukes, "Trust but verify".
Some people I have let go as friends and others who thought they were my friends but continued to abuse me with their words I have vitually ignored. I refuse to let critics run my life especially when they have nothing helpful for me. They think it is their job to "fix me" but they are just fooling themselves and trying to take that job away from the Holy Spirit. I refuse to let them.
What are your thoughts concerning ministry friendships? Have you been through this? Have you tried to befriend a pastor without expectations only to be hurt by that person? What are your experiences?
Comments
This is a good blog subject, Joe I agree with you that man will continue to fail us but "PRAISE GOD" He will never let us down.
I will say this. When Paul and Silas were jailed for casting out the demonic spirit in the women etc. It was man who put them in jail, whipped them, etc. BUT it was God who freeded them. The funny thing was that when God showed up in the prison, the prisoners may have rejoiced a fleaded but Paul and Silas stayed because GOD was there. (Moral - it does not matter where you are or how you got there, when God shows up you will have no desire to leave.
Plus through P & S pain and prisonment the jailer was blessed and he and his entire family was saved. (moral your pain will bring a blessing to others if you allow God in)
Derek - that is definitely one thing I don't do is put all my trust in people. God definitely has to be our refuge and strength. There were many times that "friends" would do or say something that was very hurtful and I wouldn't say anything about it. Two reasons, 1. I leave that stuff for God to deal with and 2. I hadn't invested too much into that relationship to warrant the expenditure of time and emotions.
I'm not an expert at building relationships but I like to think that I have an "eye" for people who are not genuine and have alterior motives. There are red flags that I look for.