That's what it feels like right now for me spiritually. I feel like someone pulled the plug out of the bathtub and my water is swirling away. I'm about to hit the drain and get sucked in. God has been good to me and has given me a great life. I have no complaints about that.
But something seems to be missing in all of this. What could it be? Oh yeah, my sanity. If you have ever been a pastor for more than a year then you know what I am talking about. Not only am I going through the desert but I have well-intentioned dragons on my heals. You know, the ones that say they want to help you but instead lance you with their claws. They sense weakness and go in for the kill. I may have been born yesterday but not last night. I'm not about to spill my guts to a person who is just waiting for the right opportunity to stomp on them. No way-no how.
I have entered a critical time in my spiritual walk. I sense it, my wife senses it. It's a kind of do or die situation. It's the kind of cross road where whatever path you take determines your destiny for the rest of your life. One misstep and things will never be the same again. But maybe that is the point. I believe God has brought me here to bring me to the end of myself. To show me me. You know that conversation don't you? I say: God who am I? He says: I know you. I say, So who am I? He says, Do you really want to know? I say, stupidly, Yes. God says, Ok. That's when everything gets messy.
I have always been living like the person I want to be yet the person I am keeps tapping me on the shoulder saying, "Get a grip man". I believe God wants me to be more than what I think He wants me to be and what I am. I hang onto that scripture with dear life, "He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it." I know God is faithful, it's me I'm worried about.
So after reading this, if you think I am crazy, you may be right. But if you could point me in the right direction I sure would like to leave the desert now.
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Also my wife and I are taking the time to rediscover each other and work on our spiritual life together. We figured if we can't change the church we can at least change ourselves. So that is where we are right now.